Christmas Morning Cinnamon Rolls

We don't have a lot of food-based traditions in my family apart from Thanksgiving, and even those are mostly the same ones that everybody has: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, the souls of children, that sort of thing. But one that we do have is that my mom always makes cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. She usually gets the Pillsbury rolls in a can, and that's fine, I don't judge, but for the man-panion & I's first Christmas as a married couple, I decided I wanted to try from-scratch cinnamon rolls for breakfast.

(Then I woke up Christmas morning and realized I was out of flour, so we had cereal and I made Boxing Day cinnamon rolls instead. But no matter, they were still tasty.)

I started out where so many of my culinary adventures start, in the Red Plaid Cookbook. It yielded a fairly straightforward recipe for cinnamon rolls, which I followed pretty closely, with the exception of halving it and omitting the raisins (raisins are delicious, and they belong in many baked goods, but not cinnamon rolls).

If you've never made any sort of yeast bread before, it might seem a little intimidating, but I promise, it's not. It helps to have an electric mixer with a dough hook...

Not least of all so you can play pirates in the kitchen.

...but with only slightly more effort, you can make these suckers by hand, and it's still totally worth it.

But if you do have an electric mixer, here's the thing: they're all different. A lot of cookbooks will give instructions like "Beat on high speed 3 minutes," but "high" speed varies from mixer to mixer; on a dinky little hand mixer, you might have to double that time, and on my Kitchenaid, I'd probably cut it in half. So unless you've got a recipe written with your exact mixer in mind, there's a little bit of knowledge required - basically, what result are you looking for? What purpose is being served by this beating? It takes some experience to be able to tell that without someone to describe it for you and show you what you're looking for; I'll do my best to be descriptive here, and if something doesn't make sense, drop a comment and I'll try to describe it better. And if something goes wrong, don't worry! You can always try again.

Anyway, you start out by mixing up your flour and yeast; if you're using an electric mixer, do it in the mixer bowl. Then you heat some milk, butter, sugar, and salt in a small saucepan, stirring constantly, until the mixture is just warm and the butter is mostly melted. Stick your finger in to test the temperature; it should feel like warm bathwater, but not uncomfortably hot.

Pour this mixture into the bowl with the flour and yeast, mix it together, add an egg, and then stir with the electric mixer on low (or beat by hand) 2-3 minutes or until you've got a uniform mixture (no pockets of dry flour), and it's looking a little bubbly. Now turn off the mixer and  add some more flour - start out with half a cup, and gradually add more if you need to, until you can't stir in any more flour using just a spoon.

My spoon is disguised as a rubber spatula.

When you've reached this point, it's time to knead the dough. If you don't have an electric mixer with a dough hook, skip down to the next paragraph. If you do, add the rest of your flour to the mixer bowl (between the spoon-mixing and this step, you should add no more than 1 1/4 cups of flour total), and turn the mixer on a low speed initially to pick up most of the flour, and then kick it up to medium or medium-high speed to knead. If you put it on a higher speed right off, flour will fly everywhere. You have been warned.

For those of you without electronic assistance, prepare a floured surface - this can be a clean, dry counter, table, or anyplace that is flat, at a comfortable height to work, and easy to clean off. To "flour" the surface, just take a handful of flour and sprinkle it evenly over about a two-foot square area; there should be enough flour to coat the surface so there aren't big gaps of clear countertop showing through, but the counter should still be visible through the flour - no thick mounds of flour or anything. Now take your dough and knead it. I could try to tell you how to do it if you don't know, but someone has already gone to the trouble of making a lovely Youtube video, so it's probably better if you just go watch that instead.

The purpose of the kneading, either by hand or with the mixer, is both to work the dough and to incorporate a bit more flour. When you're done, you should have a springy, elastic dough that is smooth to the touch. It should not feel wet or sticky (too little flour) or overly dry and stiff (too much flour). By hand, this will likely take about 6-8 minutes of constant kneading; with a mixer, it will depend on your machine, but 3-5 minutes at medium speed should be enough. In the end, though, the texture is the best indicator of a properly kneaded ball of dough.

Almost there.

Once the dough is smooth and elastic-y, shape it into a ball and put it in a lightly greased bowl (spritzing the bowl with cooking spray is fine), turn it over so that both sides of the ball get some grease action, then cover the bowl (use a clean dish towel or paper towel or something similar; the object is to keep dust/bugs/etc. out of the bowl, not an airtight seal like you'd get with plastic wrap) and set it in a warm place to rise. (I find the best place to be on my stovetop, directly above the pilot light for the burners).

Let it rise until it's just about doubled in size; this should take about an hour.  Go rock out to some Christmas music while you're waiting. Then take off the towel and punch out your frustrations on that puffed up ball of dough.

That smug little asshole.

No, seriously, that's what it's called: punch down the dough, meaning knock all those little gas bubbles right out, until it's back to about its original size. Then cover it back up and leave it alone for about ten more minutes. While the dough is resting, mix together your cinnamon and sugar. Then, in a separate bowl, melt some butter.

When the ten minutes is up, put your dough on a clean, flat surface (I find it works best if you put down wax paper first, for easiest cleanup), take a rolling pin and roll it out into a rectangle about 8" by 12" (think about the size of a standard sheet of paper). Spread on your melted butter, and then sprinkle the cinnamon and sugar evenly over the whole thing.

Now roll the whole thing up the long way - that is, if you're looking at the dough rectangle portrait-wise, roll from left to right or right to left, not top to bottom. You want a long, rolled-up tube of doughy goodness. Once it's rolled, lay it seam-side down and slice it into 12 equal pieces. (I find it easiest to start by cutting the whole thing in half, then cutting each half in half, then cutting each quarter into three equal pieces, rather than trying to start at one end and hoping I'm making them the right size as I go.)

I forgot to take a picture of this step, so please enjoy this image

of a chocolate Swiss roll from Wikipedia for reference.

Lay each slice in a greased 9-inch round cake pan. I found it worked best to put 9 rolls around the perimeter of the pan and three in the center. Now cover and let them rise again until they've about doubled in size (about 30 minutes). Remember, yeast rolls take patience, grasshopper. Put on some more Christmas music while you contemplate this.

Once they've risen, stick 'em in the oven at about 375°F for 20-25 minutes. While they're baking, make the icing. It is the simplest icing you will ever make. Take some powdered sugar. Add some milk. If you're feeling adventurous, add some vanilla. That's all. Then just stir like a fiend until the powdered sugar is completely dissolved. If it's too thick, add more milk. Too runny, add more powdered sugar. The consistency is yours to command!

Look familiar, Knoxies? When I worked in the caf, we made this exact cinnamon roll icing, and we mixed it in the same glasses they put out for you to drink from. Somehow we ended up with a caf glass in our kitchen, so I mixed up my icing for old time's sake in a caf glass. It was glorious.

When the rolls are done, take them out of the oven and let them cool just enough so that you can pick up the pan barehanded.

Can you smell the deliciousness?

If you greased the pan well, you should be able to overturn the whole thing onto a plate, and the rolls should come right out in one big mass. Turn it right side up, drizzle on your icing, and voila! Eat your heart out, Pillsbury dough boy.

I like a lot of icing.

Christmas Morning Cinnamon Rolls

Prep/Cook Time: 2.5 hours

Servings: 1 dozen rolls

Ingredients:

(US Customary)

Rolls:

• 2 1/4 c. all-purpose flour (divided)
• 1 heaping tsp. (1/2 packet) active dry yeast
• 1/2 c. milk
• 2 Tbsp. + 2 tsp. sugar (or, 1/6 c. - sometimes things get weird when you halve recipes)
• 2.5 Tbsp. butter
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 egg

Filling:

• 1/4 c. sugar
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 1.5 Tbsp. butter

Icing:

• 1/2 c. powdered sugar
• 1/4 tsp. vanilla
• milk to reach desired consistency

Special Equipment: Electric mixer with dough hook useful, but not necessary.

Instructions:

1. In mixer bowl, combine 1 cup flour and yeast. In a small saucepan, heat 1/2 cup milk, 2 Tbsp. + 2 tsp. sugar, 2.5 Tbs. butter, and 1/2 tsp. salt until just warm and butter is mostly melted. Pour into flour & yeast mixture. Add 1 egg.  Mix together, then beat by hand or with mixer 3 minutes or until mixture is of a univorm consistency.

2. Stir in as much of the rest of the flour as you can with a spoon. By hand or in mixer, knead in enough of the remaining flour to make a smooth, elastic dough (approx. 6-8 minutes by hand). Shape dough into a ball and place in lightly greased bowl, turning once to coat with grease. Cover and put in a warm place to rise until doubled in size (about 1 hour).

3. Punch down dough and let rest for 10 minutes. In a small bowl, mix 1/4 cup sugar and 1 tsp. cinnamon. In a separate bowl, melt 1.5 Tbsp. butter. Roll dough out on wax paper into a rectangle about 8" x 12". Spread melted butter over dough; sprinkle cinnamon-sugar evenly over all.

4. Roll up dough long-ways into a tube. Place roll seam-side down and slice into 12 equal pieces (about 1 inch thick). Arrange slices in a greased 9" round cake pan. Cover and let rise until nearly doubled in size (about 30 minutes). Bake at 375°F 20-25 minutes.

5. In a small bowl (or caf glass), combine 1/2 cup powdered sugar and 1/4 tsp. vanilla with enough milk to reach desired consistency for drizzling (start with about 1 Tbsp. and add more as desired). When rolls are done, cool slightly and turn out onto a plate. Drizzle icing over all and serve.